What is this thing
spoken of
in delusions
in sleepy reels
This thing that keeps us awake
or puts us in a coma
This terror among us
This feeling of grandeur
beneath layers of anger
 
What is it
when something drifts in and out
of consciousness
like a sailboat lost
sifting through mental rivers
My mind aghast with
white-water rapids
I don’t know why
I’m even here
A Thought constructed
by worries & fears
 
But
one day I might know
why we feel
so damn bad
But one day
I might not feel
so …
anything is better than
this dreaded sensation
 
What is it
when we dig holes
in the aftermath
when we smash hammers
into our own skulls
 
Why do we dream
when reality is so haunted
We imagine a better world
in a better time
when we didn’t have to feel
 
Why does she make me
feel better
or worse
or,
I don’t know
 
Why can’t I
cry myself to sleep
because in sleep I can forget
drown out my worries
with dreams
or nightmares
or whatever it’s all the same
A Fantasy that cuts me
 
Sometimes I smoke pot
I used to drink
It’s a shitty feeling getting high
It’s not worth it but
it feels so damn good
because that hell is better
than this hell I’m in
now
 
What is it but
a lunacy we tell ourselves
Love each other
Hate your enemy
Kill for Jesus
Die for America
 
Why do we feel anything
because feelings
taint the bottom of
my heart
with black paint
A Void in my chest
A lost thought so horrid
I try to forget
 
What is it
this past
these transparent infractions
so blown up by scorn
Why do I regret
that which I cannot take back
Why do I feel
remorse for
something that won’t happen
again——--
          but it might 10 years from now
          15, who knows
 
Why do I care so much
Caring is a great way
to get hurt
I quickly learned
not to care
because it’s so much easier
than getting
hurt
 
Caught with my pants down
Every day I fall
and pray
and every day I feel
disappointed because no one
cares enough to
get involved
in my life
I’m so torn by rage
& compassion
so hungry for knowledge
& ignorance
So contemplative I fall
again & again
through fashionable degrees
of unfathomable torment
          which I have depicted
          all by myself

​it was spring
it was summer
it was fall
i was having a bad day
i wanted pills
he sold me coke
i blew it off the baby changing table
at a mcdonald’s
somewhere on this plant
and then i went outside
and sat down
on the glimmering street corner
and i saw the moon
for the first time ever
a translucent, incandescent, spiraling, oblong
ball of pure fury and delight
and i knew
this is how i would die

​I knew it wasn’t perfect
when I fell
screaming
falling
They say progress
not perfection
but I was falling
and then I wasn’t
I was crawling
carving black holes
into my eyes
clawing my way
into the void
They say it’s never perfect
but it felt
so much worse
I was afraid
to offer up my defects
as a peace offering
I asked that
this time
it be right
but then I fell
They say give up the fight
but I fell
and I fell
and I’m falling
It’s never perfect
so I jumped