Ode to the Night

She woke me up
reading the Bible
on my lap
I shoved her away
and reached for a beer
At breakfast I ordered
a beer with my pancakes
I remember the motel
We didn’t have sex
Too immature we just drank
all night
and in the pool
we swam
but there wasn’t a pool
at the Motel 6
 
There’s something magical
about self-destruction
It’s why all the poets
and painters and sculptors
try so hard to capture it
Ben cooked the cocaine
while I cooked the beef
and added spices
and he added baking soda
He burnt it so badly
that I wanted to die
He gave me head so I’d forget
that I wanted to die
I beat his face in
with a lighter
that one cold winter night
 
I loved her
But she only loved drugs
We had a lot in common
that first year we were
together I snorted Adderal
that Ben gave me
and walked up and down
the night
while she sketched a world
where the skyscrapers
cut holes in the sky
 
Sometimes I think
there was no point to
living like this I sat on a
rooftop
and maybe I fell
while she poured cocaine
down a straw into
my asshole and then started
tattooing BUBBA’S BITCH
in my ass with a safety pin
I remember the blood
gushing out of Ben’s
eyeball because that night
I didn’t care much for him
No wonder people
didn’t care too much for me
 
I got so inebriated
that I took off my pants
and showed off my cock
went streaking so that the world
would know that
I didn’t care
what they thought
When I was high
only death could revive me
I’d shit myself
wake up in my own vomit
after cowering against the millions
of spiders crawling all over
my face
I’d itch so hard that
my skin would bleed
 
I fell down
the stairs only so that
she would carry me home
and then we’d fight
and then we’d fuck
and then she’d cry
and then we’d fuck
and then tomorrow
I’d fall down the stairs again
She said I had no morals
Perhaps the woman whose purse
I found under the seat in front of me
at the movie theater
would agree
Perhaps she was right
but she’d only fallen for me
the night before I fell too hard
this time
and when I did she wasn’t
there to piece me
back together
 
In the decrepit waste
of this dilapidated home
I would have traded
so that she would love me
the way I deserved
I knew it was over the
first moment I set eyes
on another night
Will I make it
to another day///