Time to think\\\
It’s time to fuckin think,,,,
But we have no time to think|||
That is why I’m searching for that next big hit.
That thing that’s bigger than God.
The thing that we all are after in the end….
It’s Nirvana,,,, and it results in priceless thrills but then in the later times manifests as a shrilling, decaying, unfortunate plunge into damnation.
What would you sell your soul for?
What would you do if the results were endless? You could do anything, you could be anyone, you could climb to the top of the tallest peak and jump and you would never come down and crash on the rocky floor that’s beneath you\\\
Anything you wanted: Nirvana….
* * *
Once, I sat there, on the curb, while the Blockbuster clerks gawked and pointed at me through the window of their safe-haven. Marge and I were sitting there huffing ether from a rag and we were laughing and we were probably drooling too—it’s amazing the fetes you will go to feel something when your life just feels so out of your control…
Like when the CVS had to stop carrying Cough & Cold Coricidin on the shelves after I started a trend with my friends and we’d shoplift boxes of it just so we could pop the pills and trip cheaply.
DXM is fun when you’re young and you’ve got nothing to do. I remember some squatter gave me a pure DXM tablet under the bridge in Harvard Sq. one night and somehow—I mean it when I say somehow—I made it home and I thought spiders were crawling all over. Eventually I woke up face-down in my own vomit.
Then there was Dramamine, you know that motion sickness pill people take on boats to keep from vomiting—yeah, well I purposefully took a bit too many, more than what my friends took, and at first the dots on the walls started moving like ants, and then, at home I had the craziest craziest fuckin dreams only my mom said I was up all night—I hadn’t slept a wink. She heard me doing thing downstairs while she tried to sleep. While the whole time I thought I was sleeping.
Once, I was with Lacey and Andrew and Andrew’s most recent girlfriend and then Andrew was gone and when he came back, well what do you know, I took a swing at him for leaving us like that. I wanted him there. Me my best friend & my girlfriend. Tomorrow I went to rehab in Texas. Tonight I got wasted with my best fuckin friend and my girlfriend and that was all I wanted. So when he returned, I punched the concrete wall because he jumped back and I didn’t feel a thing even though blood was oozing from my knuckles as I walked away with Lacey. We stole ecstasy from some weirdo we met who was trying to have a threesome with us. All I had to do was makeout with him for a short while and he handed it over to me for free. Lacey and I partied till the sun came up. I took my last drink and my last hit of weed at around 7:30 AM and I was still totally fuckin wasted when I got on the plane and headed to Texas. Every day there they gave me Benzos to deter the withdrawals and a week later I left and took shots on the plane. Next thing I remember I was lying in a park in Boston while Lacey was trying to wake me up.
That doesn’t even begin to penetrate this desire—this need—to seek that next big hit.
In high school this girl asked me: What happens if you get so fucked up you wake up in another state with no idea how you got there? I told her: I better start drinking again soon because hopefully I will wake up back home.