She woke me up
reading the Bible on my lap I shoved her away and reached for a beer At breakfast I ordered a beer with my pancakes I remember the motel We didn’t have sex Too immature we just drank all night and in the pool we swam but there wasn’t a pool at the Motel 6 There’s something magical about self-destruction It’s why all the poets and painters and sculptors try so hard to capture it Ben cooked the cocaine while I cooked the beef and added spices and he added baking soda He burnt it so badly that I wanted to die He gave me head so I’d forget that I wanted to die I beat his face in with a lighter that one cold winter night I loved her But she only loved drugs We had a lot in common that first year we were together I snorted Adderal that Ben gave me and walked up and down the night while she sketched a world where the skyscrapers cut holes in the sky Sometimes I think there was no point to living like this I sat on a rooftop and maybe I fell while she poured cocaine down a straw into my asshole and then started tattooing BUBBA’S BITCH in my ass with a safety pin I remember the blood gushing out of Ben’s eyeball because that night I didn’t care much for him No wonder people didn’t care too much for me I got so inebriated that I took off my pants and showed off my cock went streaking so that the world would know that I didn’t care what they thought When I was high only death could revive me I’d shit myself wake up in my own vomit after cowering against the millions of spiders crawling all over my face I’d itch so hard that my skin would bleed I fell down the stairs only so that she would carry me home and then we’d fight and then we’d fuck and then she’d cry and then we’d fuck and then tomorrow I’d fall down the stairs again She said I had no morals Perhaps the woman whose purse I found under the seat in front of me at the movie theater would agree Perhaps she was right but she’d only fallen for me the night before I fell too hard this time and when I did she wasn’t there to piece me back together In the decrepit waste of this dilapidated home I would have traded so that she would love me the way I deserved I knew it was over the first moment I set eyes on another night Will I make it to another day///
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