I sat in an AA meeting
saw a guy who annoyed me walk through the door Behind him came a girl I’d never seen before STOP She was pretty in that dropdead sexy death grip kind of way STOP My heart was leapfrogging She wore a grey collared shirt and a grey, frilly skirt Her hair was brown She was short Her legs looked soft like they’d absorb me if I were only STOP The guy led her to the coffee station That was the first time I caught her eyes They were brown big & devious like they’d seen things out of this world STOP I smiled at her while I poured my coffee and she poured her own. Then I sat down and she sat down beside me The guy that annoyed me sat down on the other side No words were spoken between us until the end of the meeting when she turned to me and said: HI, I’M DIANNE. STOP She died recently of a drug overdose Smoked fentanyl thinking it was only regular, run-of-the-mill crack cocaine I never realized how important she was to me. Until she died We never dated. No but we did hook up once or twice STOP I know what the rumors said about her she was a prostitute but I’d rather not soil her name anymore than it already is she liked me that’s what mattered I liked her back There was no other major exchange between us STOP She brought me to this strange guy’s house after I had run into her down the street I was sober for a bit She was not I was 23 she was I’m guessing 20 The guy whose house she had brought me to he would let any bozo come through the door. I forgot his name He had an open-door policy Anyone could come in at any time he didn’t care STOP I met Colin’s mom there She was drunk gave me a drunken lapdance right in front of everyone STOP She brought me to a rock ‘n’ roll show at the Knights of Columbus later that night She kept kissing me all night long until I had to go home Samantha was pissed when I told her about what had transpired that night STOP When I moved to my new apartment Johnny helped me lug over all my belongings in a stolen shopping cart She came by that night We had sex in my new bedroom while everyone else hung out in my new living room STOP She once called me because she was having a terrible night I brought her over to my place thought I’d get laid but she liked some other guy We sat around watched some cheesy teen movie She slept on my couch as I stayed up smoking ginseng out of the jar I had bought at the Asian market in Boston then drew penises and other things on her face. She was so angry at me because I used Sharpie but then she laughed I walked her to her friend’s house She hugged me said goodbye STOP I told her if she ever wanted to laugh, she can call me any time STOP A few years went by I neglected most my friends who were there at the beginning of my new journey because I screwed up so much and made a fool of myself so often that I didn’t want to be reminded I was standing outside of Pub 42 in Rutland She ran over and hugged me She was a little bit older She had gained some weight She was sober I said that’s great! But I was confused as to why she was so happy to see me like none of the old memories of her meant anything STOP Every now & then she would LIKE or comment on my posts on Facebook I would respond with very little passion Last week Wyatt asked me if I remembered her I hadn’t thought of her in ages but yeah of course I did She’s in a coma, he told me They’re going to cut the cord because she has no hope My heart was broken STOP All those memories of her came flooding in
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I see the boy
sitting by himself in the park He looks nervous twitching fingers scratching at his crotch He’s there to meet some friends They come in an instant The boy stands there silently as all his friends converse I see them walk away I follow them down lonely streets filled with wild action The boy and his friends hurry after the moment I follow them through the alley where drugs are sold One of his friends suggests they buy some drugs from the nice older gentleman with his hands in his pockets A toothpick set on his tongue the man passes a bag of something naughty to the kids they are off I keep a close eye on the boy He stays hidden in the pack as they stroll across the bridge vanish around the back They descend the steps I follow them to the edge I know the boy would someday find himself drowning I watch them from atop the bridge as they each take a turn smoking the pipe This isn’t pot I smell It smells bitter someone coughs Someone is talking fast Someone is talking faster I see their twitching bodies The boy sits there and stares at the river as I stand on the ledge He’s quiet He seems lonely I watch them talk like nothing in the world matters at this moment The boy is silent He watches as three fishes flee from the menacing snake which slithers on the surface of the wakes The boy is so quiet His friends speak of dreams The boy takes the pipe flies away or so it seems He disappears down a burnt maze of ashes He runs as his approaching destiny devours him like cereal I watch him fall from the sky in a visceral kaleidoscopic tumble Confetti is everywhere I stand there on the bridge The boy comes down fast crashes into the river I feel an abrupt sadness and anger when his friends keep smoking because they are just too fucked up to care The boy is flailing thrashing his arms & legs His friends couldn’t even fathom that this might happen to them My heart is a to-do list
that never gets completed My soul is like a date book that never gets addressed My mind is a series of unfortunate events My spirit is a coloring book that never gets its shades I was unsure
about where I was going but I was determined to go there with both feet facing forward Someone once said rather than test the temperature of the water with my foot as most sane people do I dive right in no holding back I was to get married to a woman I had dated for an entire tumultuous six months I was in for a surprise Nothing good in my life ever lasted for very long I knew this to be true I sat beside her every day for an entire year or more before the snowball took form and once it rolled it grew, and as it grew we danced to the tune of a homeless piano player above the Skinny Pancake It was a surprise I was a scared little boy about to step into his big boy pants We got married, just us two and her daughter in an artistic loft located above Skinny Pancake We met the woman who would act as our officiant for the event in the restaurant downstairs It was very lowkey She led us upstairs through a hallway lined with artistic depictions She brought us to a large room with a piano in the corner and there was a homeless man seated behind the piano playing a beautiful tune that would be the theme for the future proceedings He didn’t cost anything but I might have given him some money in the end which he stuffed inside his pack Then he wandered off in his ragged clothing and the officiant took pictures of us the groom the bride & the daughter outside in the blowing wind throwing the leaves around her blond hair flowing and my green eyes glowing I sit at the window
and watch as the bear prowls my backyard My music plays like an emotional jackhammer The lights flicker The TV enacts silently a void of images searching for reason The bear rises to its feet an impressive mound of muscles and looks up at me My mind is a painter It draws blank pages across a terrifying ether I blabber intentional verses I comb my hair with a switchblade The bear stands there casting its shadow beneath the dull moon’s glow My worldviews implode I forgot why I’m here My thoughts are slighted The sounds of war ring loudly in my heart like a series of overly used tropes The bear leaves my backyard with an enthusiastic gallop because I know that it knows that I was watching There is a beast
inside of me I’m so afraid of the consequences of the rippling effect that comes every time I succumb to the disfunction I hide away from the painful struggle so I don’t have to destroy everything I’m tormented by sin My hampered attempts to contain this demon that arises from my closet when no one is looking at me The demon I see when I’m faced with shimmering indecisions keeps me crippled with anxiety Please don’t leave me to my own devices Hold me down and lock me out of your world for it’s only a matter of time\\\ Restless tired irritable & discontent
I stare at the board of numbers The sticks are stuck clicking clicking and inching this way but not that My brain is like a Cadillac with the top down I drive it in the breakdown lane chucking ideas into the ether One after another I follow the words on the page My eyes are burning confusion I’m in an elusive state I write thoughts on my face Life’s glorious floating vessel is lost at sea I stand on the riverbanks of time rearing to jump into the maelstrom of indecision It’s a cold reality in which I spend most my time The heated edges of life burn symbols in the rear end of my third cornea Then I go about doing things that need to be done I think about things that are mere nuances Life’s inconsequential fury is something that I must overcome before the boredom of lesser dimensions leaves me pleasureless & disturbed as the clock’s thunderous chirp I don’t need
to get in the last word anymore I can walk away from the issue in question I can leave the subject alone cuz I am better Trust me I don’t have
any answers but I sure wish I did If I knew the secrets of why it is what it is A friend once asked me if I could have any superpower what would it be? I told him I’d hack the matrix to discover the reason for all this shit What Makes This Life Tick The Point of Existence Why Life’s Terms Can Be So Damn Oppressive This friend of mine is dead died at 20 years of age I’m just a depressed individuals going through the vapid routines of any individual on the face of this wasted sphere I can’t figure out the point of any of it We live and then we die If heaven is the point then, well, I’ll still be me for all eternity Damned to suffer at the cost of this human body Slice my throat and release my soul Let it wither and die and never come back because I don’t wish to exist in a place as confusing as this Disastrous conclusions
drawn from silly confusions/ |
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