Perhaps it was just me

Today I saw the light
as I drove
through layers of consciousness/
I was very tired
this morning
          I’m practically deaf
save for the ringing and
the Punk rock
that has found its home
inside my head
 
At times I listen to the ringing
while I watch
the neighbors fuck
through their windows
                    But
it did not sound
like fucking
Perhaps they were
screaming
          or perhaps it was
just me
staring at a blank wall
so repulsive
I turn up the volume
in my head
 
In the moonlight everything
became undone
Someone had broken into
my car
while we
did not sleep
In the morning I was
disrupted by
the smell of cigarette smoke
and the sight of
peanut butter cookies
 
At night I often
awaken
I’m adrift, lost
in furious dreams
Some might call it
terror
I call it relativity
                    for
I’d much rather
my terror than yours
 
You thought I didn’t
see you
You were dancing
in my rearview mirror
I should be there
with you
I stop the car and
go home
We fuck while the neighbors watch
through the windows
They heard us screaming
Fighting
Then we evaporate
 
I realize
I don’t remember
what she said to me
in the bowels of anger
only how
she felt when I
put her down
That smile
It’s infuriating
          I hate myself
 
I’m driving through
the forest of thought
The maple tree
it looks like passion
The branches like hair
scratch out my eyes
A library of light
 
I know nothing of
     nature
The ignorance
is haunting
I should know more
but I know
nothing of peace
Only turmoil
I crash the car into
a bush but it was a tree
I’m lying in a field
I go to sleep
 
My toes tingle
My fingers shake
My legs hurt
My mind aches
I yell at my brain
for its ignorance
I watch as my eyes
fall out
of their sockets
 
But then I step out
into darkness
I feel free
because nothing
can touch me here
except for..
except for the dark
I’m afraid of the dark
 
I try to tell you
how each day is different
I write it on
your biceps
in a language
you won’t understand
It will be beautiful
                              but indecipherable
like all things beautiful
I will walk with you
through the dark
Thump thunk thud, you’ll see
 
I hope to stop feeling
this way
I wish to
never fall out of love
like has happened
too often
I want to be free
of self-doubt
 
The first time
          I ever
felt free
was the first time
I rode my bike
          Until I fell
Then I got back up
I pedaled down Upland Ave with
a scraped knee
and a bump
on my head